Why I Can No Longer “Call it a Loan”

Like many people of my generation, I’ve been “in love” many times and, having had a number of relationships, I thought that I had a pretty good idea of what love felt like and what I thought that a relationship was based on. Boy was I wrong.

To explain. In each case, there was, obviously, a physical attraction and an emotional one. However, what followed had to be hearts and flowers all the time and any diminution either of these states implied that things weren’t as good as they should be. The result of this state of affairs was that, either or both of us had to make quite an effort to sustain the situation, or that, almost inevitably, there was a time limit to the relationship. At which point, I could get back to my default position, that is, of being unhappy; something I cope with. And yes, that’s a pretty stupid way to look at things although it seemed perfectly normal to me at the time. So, why am I writing this today?

Well, because many years of therapy have helped me to change. So much so that I see things differently and, as a result, behave differently. The result has been a gradual, but remarkable change; assisted, I have to say, by someone I describe as “the most quietly determined person I’ve ever met”. She is, of course, Gaynor, my wife, someone I’ve been with now for nearly three decades. Not only that but, as I see it, the relationship gets better with each passing day. In direct contrast, you will note, to how it was in my previous relationships. This, by the way, is no disrespect to those people I shared my life with at the time; the fault was, largely, mine.

So what would I consider to be the defining factors? Well, first and foremost, that change in me which has enabled me to see things differently. I now see a relationship as a whole, a continuum, a shared commitment and something that doesn’t have to end. Indeed, in this case, something that I don’t want to end. In addition, I could add a whole load of other characteristics but will settle for just one. It is one of feeling completely at ease with the person that you’re with which stems, to a degree, of feeling more at ease with yourself.

So this blog is for Gaynor with many thanks for your patience, perseverance and companionship over so many years. There’s still a lot to do in this world so I, currently, have no plans to retire. However, when I do, I can’t think of anyone I’d rather sail off into the sunset with than your good self.

For those curious about the title of the blog, “Call it a Loan” is a Jackson Browne song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mygbFX8_ucA

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