I return today, if you will indulge me, to therapy. Now it has taken quite a few years to sort out the tangled ball of string that was my life but, at long last, I think that I’m nearly there. More correctly, I’m there sufficiently for me to live the rest of it without too much baggage. I have to say that it feels very good.
The last few months have been especially fruitful in one area that was important to me. That was, what it was like in those early years, what had happened and when. In these, it was the detail that I needed. It wasn’t something that I expected to have much joy with. Boy, was I wrong. Well much of the detail and the feelings I had at specific times did come to mind and, in doing so, it has helped me to create the picture that I wanted. Coming on top of the other changes over the past few years, it has helped me to become a more rounded person. Speak to my wife and it’s something that she will confirm.
That’s not to say that I can’t be bloody minded if I want to, it’s just that my actions are based on the reality of what is happening in my life today and not the echoes of my childhood. The result is that I don’t have certain in built worries that have plagued me for years. And, even if they occur, I understand them for what they are and, to quote Stevie Nicks, “take on the situation, not the torment”. How do I know this? Well, not only do I feel that things are starting to click into place, but that I have more of a positive feeling that they actually will. I am also not afraid to ask for help anymore. Even if a little tentatively.
There is, however, a strange side to this process which is that, with the emotional baggage being removed, has come, not quite an uncertainty, but more an “unsureness”. What is interesting about this is that someone I value highly recently said that I looked a bit lost. Well, I probably was, as the certainty that I created to deal my childhood experiences is no longer there. As, I suspect, it isn’t for most people. This may take a little getting used to as I leave behind a past that was created for me and walk into a future of my own making. I’m quite looking forward to it.