I am, I feel, getting to the end of a long and fruitful journey. And, no, that’s not a reflection on the demise of a number of my generation that have featured in the media recently. It is, in fact, a recognition that my personal journey of sorting out my life is nearing its completion. Not that the changes that have been wrought will cease to be, nor that I won’t continue to discover things about myself for the rest of my life; at least I hope not. No, it’s just that my life is getting to where I would like it to be and not where circumstance has directed it. I have to say that it’s a very good feeling; an ease with myself that was previously absent. I am, as they say, considerably more comfortable in my own skin. The feeling of comfort that that gives me is something I cherish. If you have always had that, then count your lucky stars. In my experience, it isn’t as common as it could be.
So, how do I know that I’m near the terminus? Well, just a feeling, to be honest. That and a sense of perspective provides me with quite a good handle on my life; both the one I led and the one that I now lead. I used to see these as the two separate parts that they were. I now see them as more of a continuum, albeit with some very sudden and drastic changes of direction along the way. I also know, however, that I behave differently. I am less judgemental, more inclined to let people in although still, somewhat, driven and determined. I am glad to say that, although these latter may have been as a result of my upbringing, they remain with me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so concerned that I would lose my edge, the essential me, in the process. In fact, I rather like the person that has emerged. I once read somewhere that, when Michelangelo was asked how he sculpted David out of a block of solid marble, said that he just chipped away the parts that weren’t David. In my own small way, I know just how he feels.
I say that because the final process for me appears to involve chipping away. At which point, some explanation may be necessary. You see, when I have tried to get to the root of a particularly difficult problem, a number of things have happened. In some cases, I have felt as if I was in a dense fog which I have had to get through. In other cases, I’ve watched my thoughts drift out of reach so that I’ve lost the thread and not been able to recollect them. Right now, it’s as if I have something hard in my chest that I have to chip away at; as I’m doing. Then again, Michelangelo always was a particular hero of mine, so I’m in good company.