Believe May be the Hardest Word

I am not one for counting my chickens as life has taught me that things do go wrong, often badly so and then get worse. So, why do I call myself an optimist? Well, largely, because I am. Put simply, I find it’s a far more constructive state of mind than pessimism; that allied to a belief that we are all capable of so much more.

I’ve also learnt that you don’t have to accept what life throws at you, hard though that may be at times. With small steps, you can change things (or rather, change how they affect you) and lots of such steps are what make up a long journey. As usual, I choose my words carefully here and don’t describe a journey as a few very large steps. Most of us don’t do the latter although we are quite capable of doing the former. What can then be difficult is believing that things can be different for you, as an individual, even when you know they can. The only response is to keep going; something I’ve been doing, with my usual bloody mindedness, over the past few months. Would you believe it, those changes are taking place? He wrote, with all his fingers crossed.

About 18 months ago, I felt that I needed to see my therapist again. Things were happening in my life that I was unhappy with and talking with Stevie has always helped me to sort things out. This time it has done so even more than usual. So much so that I feel that I am, at last, nearing the end of a long and fascinating journey. Belief in myself is starting to be realised and I’m actually taking it on board, albeit with a little caution. The problem is less that I think that things will go wrong than that of being in uncharted territory by choice.

Now I’m aware that most of the people that I know, especially those who I’ve worked with and, for whom, I’ve delivered the goods and more over the years, will find my lack of personal self belief difficult to comprehend. They see me as the person who turns up when all else has failed. However, doing those same things for myself has proved to be a great deal more difficult. Well, if this continues, not anymore and that’s when the discomfort comes in. Well, just a few more sessions with Stevie and I really think that, something that the lovely Dan Twomey once told me, will be shown to be true. In response to my question, “When will I know that therapy is over?” he replied, “When you feel able to run your life without your actions being determined by your history and you will know when that is”.

I do, but believing is still the hardest word.

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